What am I Looking For?
What I Seek:
A regular Joe. Red-blooded, apple-pie-eating, loves-his-Mama, believes-in-God, work-and-personally-ethical,
sports-watching, kite-flying boy-next-door. Someone who will appreciate a person's strengths and can accept a person's
flaws without hoping for change or minding change if it happens. I realize my lack of preferences casts too wide a net
because certainly we all have subliminal preferences. If you have a yen for tall blondes, or asian features, my inherent attributes
probably will prove to be an eventual stumbling block. I know we
all have inherent preprogramming but flexibility is an asset in all walks of life. Cognitive dissonace cannot be taught.
I have no graven characteristics I seek because I personally have passed over many ads where I was 99% right and then the
last line was "5'3" minimum height", or Baptists only. Close calls. Passing ships in the night. The brush of angel
wings. I imagine some of them might have eventually liked me but I don't like a closed mind. I have come to believe that the
ability to love is more intrinsic than extrinsic. I'd like to find someone intrigued enough and brave enough to withstand
some possibly clumsy flirting by a sincere person.
I don't think of my life as empty, or myself as discontent. But, once in a while, in the right breeze on a warm night, or
in the first moments after waking, I get a faint emotional memory, one that reminds me I used to have a different level of
happiness in my life, back when I shared it with someone I cared about. I usually dismiss this plaintive voice, but sometimes
feel I am living half a life; underwater. That a certain contentment, a depth of color, an intensity is missing. Could I give
more to the world by feeding my own happiness? And if so, is this all about me? Enough philosophy, as my daughter says. You
are no wailing wall. On a more prosaic level, I'd like someone to discuss the day with, to deconstruct the evening news, to
guess at Wheel of Fortune with, to walk the dogs with. A companion in caring about mutual existence, to share thoughts with
and impressions. Someone to take the trash out while I wash the dishes instead of doing both alone. A warm breath in the night,
a hand to hold, a lover, a friend, a playmate. A need to be needed.
Is there any adventuresome man who will explore
this glorious world with me?? I don't consider myself high maintenance or needy but do think that every moment of existence
would probably be more fun with the right person.
Modern Day Fairy Tale
I cannot pinpoint any one factor that would make me reject someone initially if they were 75% otherwise what I wanted.
For instance, I don't smoke but a sweet and genuine smoker would have me over a surly conceited non-smoking player any day
of the week. I don't CARE what you drive, what music you listen to, how much you earn, where you live, what color your hair
is, how much you weigh-the things everyone puts in ads. The factors I am looking for go deeper than that. To me, attraction
is always a algebraic sort of computation-How can baldness bother me if he brings me flowers? What good is a gorgeous guy
with a passive aggressive attitude? The missing tooth is a turn-off if you got it in a bar brawl. Rich doesn't make up for
cheating and lies. The messy house is incidental if you can debate the finer points of existence. The blue-collar job is fine
if you can fix my dishwasher. The coke bottle glasses look good on the one who will hold my hand, pat my back, let me cry
and say they love me when the car breaks down and the deadlines are hammering despite 15 hour days and the house is a mess
and the clients all call daily and I cannot, just cannot take another step for exhaustion (usually happens at least every
Jan, March & April). I am afraid to let myself need somebody-But secretly, I want someone who will craft themselves into
that one indispensible and trustworthy person I am not afraid to need. Someone who is God loving, not God fearing. Who does
not have a single intractable set of rules for salvation. Broad minded enough to believe evolution and creation can co-exist.
Open to possibilties, ideas and reggae. Who can appreciate the wonder of an ant crossing the sidewalk as fully as a rainbow
after rain. A gentle soul who can appreciate that Michaelangelo's David, God's common dandelion and Dr Seuss' The Cat in the
Hat are equal in beauty and importance in the grand scheme of things. Who understands that the chain of moments that make
up our existences ARE the reason and therefore worthy of wonder. But will still forgive me when I get bitchy on the 22nd day
or when stress is eating me alive and I temporarily forget these facts myself. Someone who will give up the easy Internet
fantasies for the harder but more worthwhile reality when they find someone worth crafting concessions and compromises for.
Who will love me when I veg, who will love me when I run.
What type movies do you like? Your favorite & why? Hobbies? Name the
top five songs you would burn on a CD, right now, tonight, and WHY. What were you doing last Sat at 8pm?
Point of Origin? Important influences? Best thing that happened to you today? Favorite cuisine? Morning lark or night owl?
Boxers or briefs? Shallow & pretentious or sweet & sincere? Favorite store? Nosy aren't I? I don't know if I'm
being dumb or not, writing all this-there are so many fragile factors involved here on both ends in any equation, and intangibles
do matter. There seem to be 3 steps to any attraction: The photos & writing, the live conversation, whether phone or chat,
and then face to face meeting. I acknowlege that said attraction can and does break down at any one of these three points.
But, as my daughter says - what have we got to lose? What have we got to gain? And of course, the answer is, respectively,
nothing and everything.
I wrote this poem for my daughter, for her Senior Memories Book:
The world is your
And you are a pearl.
So go out and conquer it
Your heart is of gold,
thinking is bold
And your life is a story your living will mold.
So go out and conquer
The peaks in between
The valleys, your continents.
Sow the fields of your dreams
Go on, don't you know
There's a story to grow
I'm proud of you, Lu, more than you'll ever know.
Life's a gift so go live it.
Love's a gift, so go give it.
You're a gift dear, believe it
To the world. Go receive it.
I'm just thinking that maybe I should take my
own advice. Maybe this is a step in that direction.
What do I WANT?
I more recently wrote this for my daughter when I bought her (a 20-yr-old, mind you) a copy of "I love you
to the Moon & Back" and had to inscribe the flyleaf w/ a sentiment for her:
I love you an atom
I love you a quark
And through the whole stratum
That space & time mark
And beyond these vague boundries which no-body knows?
I love you as far as the universe goes.
Now, I KNOW it could have been better written, esp the first two lines (maybe lightness &
But, it's all well and good and true and worded exactly how it was originally written
that first late night.
Still, greedy me, I also want to feel that way
about a friend, a lover, a playmate who IS playful, imaginative, intense AND who feels
that exact same way about me. Is that too much to hope for? I'm still waiting
to find out.